Across the world, from Australia to Hawaii, people are reaching deep into their psyche to examine the novel ‘The Da Vinci Code’. Now I may not be a famous novelist, nor am I an expert on the history of the catholic church. What I do know is that these are not new ideas. Dan Brown has simply threaded them together in his ‘compulsive’ storytelling way.

I tried to read ‘Angels and Demons’, the first in the series. I also thought I should give ‘The Da Vinci Code’ a go, since 30 million people have read the thing. I hated both of them. I could care less about secret societies and clandestine brotherhoods, and I am absolutely convinced that Jesus never even dated, never mind had a wife/sexual relationship. But fine, you are welcome to your opinions on those things.

What bothered me was his inability to write in a style more sophisticated than the ‘Hardy Boys’ novels I read as an eight-year-old. I am not a writing snob; I read all kinds of books, but I do draw the line at piercing blue eyes, and glistening whatevers. Had I not been reading a copy that belonged to the shop, I would have flung it from the train. Hopefully it would have become embedded in wet cement, and been dug up two thousand years from now as a relic to be chuckled over by a society more advanced than ours seems to be now.

Apparently, muddling the ancient mysteries of the Bible is easy, even for the very young. Hannah, aged two, just today was enlightening me as to the true nature of Jesus.

‘Jesus is died’ she said

‘And…?’ I prompted

‘He came alive in the water’

‘Yes…?’

He has hair’

‘What does he do?’

‘He came to spank everybody’

‘Eh? But Jesus loves everyone’

‘He came to spank…?

Me: ‘Nobody’

He came to spank… nobody… for touching the blinds. You mustn’t touch the blinds, and eat them’

‘Er, right’

‘The blinds can make you sick, and Noah eats beetles. Noah is hungry’

Noah is not just a historical figure, he is Hannah’s classmate at her daymom. Apparently he is something of an entomologist. Or Eat’em-all-agist.

So, Dan Brown, I eagerly await your new novel, based on the apparent will of the Lord to spank everyone, for touching the blinds. And the Dastardly parents who tried to keep this information from the world. They hide in suspiciously normal suburban homes, decorated with odd arcane symbols in crayon on the walls, at about knee-height. The truth is out there, and I mean Out There…