There is a saying that I learned when I was in the army, when preparing for inspections. When you are a young man not used to the confusing and taxing world of ironing, you quickly find ways of avoiding this nightmare task. We had big green steel cupboards, which when opened were designed to show all your uniform bits and pieces lined up and pressed. The socks had to be rolled up, with little ‘smiles’ folded in to them. Ironing we managed to get around by ironing only the side of the clothes visible on opening the cupboard.

Which was fine, unless your commanding officer chose your face to dislike, and decided to rifle through your things. As he gloatingly uncovered some unwashed clothes, or the unironed halves, he would say ‘Bo blink, onder stink’

Roughly translated, this means ‘shiny above, stinky below’. It implies that you have swept the dust under the carpet…

Much like the character in the Edgar Allan Poe story, ‘The Black Cat’, you would stand at attention, with your most soldierly expression, hoping that tiny screams wouldn’t reveal the horror within. It was tempting, under that amount of pressure, to throw open your cupboard and cry ‘See! The monster walled up within the tomb!’ and release the guilt, but that would have meant early morning inspections for a week, so instead you tried not to draw attention to your cold sweat, hoping that he wouldn’t perceive the juddering fear.

In some ways, that saying has stuck with me.

When we were trying to sell our previous house, we cleaned it as never before. All extraneous junk was either crammed into cupboards, or shoved into the ceiling as we prepared to have a ‘Show House’. Weird thing was, without piles of papers and toys and books lying around, we kind of liked the way our house looked. Fortunately, hordes of people came and went, and none were foolish enough to open any of the cupboards. Had they been, there would have been court cases for sure. ‘Man crushed by toppling lawnmower’.

Here’s a secret you probably shouldn’t be allowed in on.

I seldom buy my own underwear.

I feel uncomfortable going to the clothing stores and browsing in the underwear section. The shelves are designed to make you pick up satin tangas by accident, when all you really want are conservative underpants. I am not the kind of man who gets a kick out of shimmering boxer shorts with the undergarment version of a bumper sticker emblazoned on the front. I am not that young that I wear low-slung jeans with boxers showing. Also, suffice it to say, that boxers don’t do it for me. I feel insecure in them.

As a result, I wear the few pairs of underpants in rotation until they start to disintegrate. Finally, Neen is usually the one to highlight my denial, and point out the ragged elastic, and threadbare fabric. I then have to keep my head down, dash into the shop,  grab what I hope are the correct size in a pack of five, and pay. My shame is complete as I am ALWAYS served by a woman, who tries hard not to laugh as she rings them up, and when I get home I realize that I’ve bought XXXL, or they have some unlikely logo in an unlikely place… I’d rather eat nails than return them for a credit, so I stick them at the back of the cupboard.

Now, I do try and stay neat as far as my ‘overclothes’ are concerned, so why the discrepancy? I wouldn’t go out with holes and bits falling off my shirts or trousers. Oh yes, and my socks don’t last long, either. I seem to have very abrasive feet, and Neen gets very vexed by my wearing these things that end up more hole than sock. Strangely, I love the feeling of new socks, and the way my feet sit snugly inside, unchafed by rough boot inners.

I am therefore pretty happy when I get socks for birthdays or Christmas. As long as there is something less functional in the gift.

Neen laughed the other day when we went to a busy mall, and I said (tongue firmly in cheek) that I just wanted to shop privately, so what if someone recognizes me from my blog? After a long time, she stopped laughing, and gently helped me to understand that that was not just unlikely, but impossible.

Which is great, considering the information you now have and probably wish you didn’t. If I see you on the street, kindly keep your eyes above waist level, and think pure thoughts. (My underwear and socks, holey or not, are always clean so the ‘stinky’ part of the saying does not apply). I’ll accept the name ‘holey-pants’ but not ‘stinky-pants’. That is reserved for my as yet un-potty-trained daughter.

It’s amazing what you don’t know about people… I bet some of you have your own secrets… Care to share?

Last night we watched what should have been a harmless film on TV. It was called ‘Blast From the Past’ , starring Brendan Fraser. The movie itself isn’t particularly new, so if you bothered to see it, then it may have been some time ago. Adam’s parents, both clichéd thumbnail characters from the sixties, are designed to epitomize the ‘good-old-days-‘. They build a fallout shelter, and when an airplane crashes they are shut away for 35 years, believing that there has been a nuclear holocaust.

During that time, they have Adam, and raise him in this bubble, free of any human interaction apart from their own. They try to teach him cultural norms, but in the absence of culture those things become absurd. Meanwhile, decades are passing up above, as the conservative America of the Sixties becomes the anything-goes-seventies, the wild-eighties and finally the Been-there, done-that-nineties.

The son emerges from the shelter, and at first applies all the lessons taught him by his kooky parents. Then he figures out that he has to adapt, and manages to do so, while remaining innocent.

The reason I fill you in on all this, is that it set me to thinking.

So many of our friends have opted to be Stay-at-home-moms, and do home schooling, that we have often questioned Neen’s return to work after our children were born. (Note, we only briefly discussed my returning to work…). We have wrestled with these decisions many times, and we are comfortable with the choices we have made, as being appropriate for us at this point in time.

There seems to be a raging debate happening about the viability of working mothers, and yet no real debate about working fathers.

I have no desire to live in the ‘good-old-days’. I suspect they don’t exist. I want my children to go to school, as terrifying a place as that can be, and have the benefit of dealing with different personalities and cultures. Of course I want to instill what I believe to be a healthy moral system, but I do believe that that can only have meaning within the context of other moral systems.

If you have chosen to home-school, good for you. I don’t think it is a doomed philosophy. This is all about my choices as husband and dad to my wife and children.

We did discuss the viability of my staying at home to look after the children full-time, as Neen is certainly more marketable in terms of her career. I love my children, and at work sometimes I feel an incredible longing to be with them, especially when people bring their own children into the shop where I work. What has helped us to decide for me to carry on working, is, I guess, a combination of things. We believe, (shock number one) that the husband is the head of the home (even though he spends so much time at work!). This is in part owing to our commitment to a bible-based parenting style.

While Neen does submit to me (shock number two), it is never ever ever ever (got it?) a case of me ordering her around. What this means to us is that we make decisions together, and then I take responsibility for the consequences. It is not based on a concept of her inferiority, but rather a belief that I am answerable to God for my actions. Plus, we are one, anyway.

(If you are wondering about why the heck I am writing this, the reason is that I hardly ever write in response to my heading about the role of a husband).

Of course, sometimes a two-year-old can feel like the head of the household, and we are tempted to submit to their tantrums and whining regularly.

I have no desire to turn my children into ‘Dobsonites’, or whoever is the current guru of parenting. The bible has very little to say on the raising of children, but lots to say about the character of God, and consequently, the character of the those who claim to follow him. We aim to steer our children in a Godward direction, and hope that we have enough integrity for them to trust our decisions. Ultimately, they all belong to Him anyway.

The reason the movie got to me, was that it reminded me of how we/other parents can become obsessed with one way of doing things. We try to remove all opportunity for risk and error, and in doing so place our children in grave danger. There will always be things they need to measure out for themselves, and part of their transition to adulthood will involve making their own decisions based on both a moral foundation and learned experience.

I’m making all this up, so feel free to criticize me, but I do want what is best for my children. But I also want what is best for me. And Neen. See, my children are so important to me, but I cannot afford to lose myself and my own goals in an act of ‘sacrifice’ that doesn’t help any of us. I need to have dreams. And not just dreams involving flying across a chocolate river wearing a brown super-hero costume. (I know, I know, lay off the late-night cheese-fests).

I am incredibly proud of my family. My wife, for the sacrifices she makes both at home and at work, and my children, for their ability to love us and accept us.

James, I think, imagines that all daddies work in bookshops, and Hannah gets to have two loving mommies. Her day-mom is someone I respect too, which is also important.

.

May they emerge from our fallout shelter of a family not trapped in some unhelpful anachronism of a worldview, but rather protected by an aura of proven wisdom, and able to pass on some great things to another generation.

Scary thought: In about fifty years time, will this current age be thought of as ‘the good old days’? While there are some great things about the present, we could all correct that misperception in an instant.

If you read my header, and you see ‘husband’ you may have a picture in your mind of what that is. I guess those thoughts would involve a range of images, from couches, sports on TV, lonely golf days, philandering b*st*rds, suited dudes off to the office, a romantic supper, toilet seats akimbo, jokes about turns to do the dishes….

I could go on.

Being a husband is hard work. Sometimes. It can also be one of the most rewarding roles. I love it. I love Neen, and I am glad to be co-dependent. In a good way.

(p.s. In case you are a husband, and I am creating an unrealistic picture of joy and reward, I apologise. You may now return to your butt-scratching in front of the sit-com re-runs).

Life is tough. Yesterday I had the choice of two parties to go to on Saturday. The first was a sixth birthday party with a pirate theme. The second was a baby shower for a boy, so presumably blue would have been present in sky-like quantities.

Which would you choose? The benefit of both is that you would come home while the sun is still in the sky with your integrity intact.

And I used to be a social butterfly. Flit flit. As it ends up, our grocery shopping took so long, and was so physically and emotionally taxing, that we went to neither. Yes, physically: Hannah fell asleep and needed to be carried limply up and down the aisles, and yes, emotionally: James picked up every second item to claim it as his favourite. Eventually he was doing his Rumplestiltskin act, hopping up and down and screaming, and we felt a trifle fatigued.

While we are not Catholics, I do sympathize with them, as they watch John Paul 2^nd fading away. I can remember way back in 1978 when he became part of history; whether you agree to his doctrine or leadership style or not, he has been a familiar face for an awfully long time. I guess he is about to die, and then someone new will come. Imagine being that person, knowing the dirt-digging that will go on by the tabloids. Poor guy.

Also, he can no longer wear that cool scarlet robe of a cardinal, but will be forced to look like a chess piece.

What makes me mourn even more is the re-election of deranged despot No 1, Robert Mugabe. Pity Zimbabwe, and all who have to put up with his destructive reign.

But I am sure none of you know what it is like to be subject to a war-mongering dictator. Do you?

Across the world, from Australia to Hawaii, people are reaching deep into their psyche to examine the novel ‘The Da Vinci Code’. Now I may not be a famous novelist, nor am I an expert on the history of the catholic church. What I do know is that these are not new ideas. Dan Brown has simply threaded them together in his ‘compulsive’ storytelling way.

I tried to read ‘Angels and Demons’, the first in the series. I also thought I should give ‘The Da Vinci Code’ a go, since 30 million people have read the thing. I hated both of them. I could care less about secret societies and clandestine brotherhoods, and I am absolutely convinced that Jesus never even dated, never mind had a wife/sexual relationship. But fine, you are welcome to your opinions on those things.

What bothered me was his inability to write in a style more sophisticated than the ‘Hardy Boys’ novels I read as an eight-year-old. I am not a writing snob; I read all kinds of books, but I do draw the line at piercing blue eyes, and glistening whatevers. Had I not been reading a copy that belonged to the shop, I would have flung it from the train. Hopefully it would have become embedded in wet cement, and been dug up two thousand years from now as a relic to be chuckled over by a society more advanced than ours seems to be now.

Apparently, muddling the ancient mysteries of the Bible is easy, even for the very young. Hannah, aged two, just today was enlightening me as to the true nature of Jesus.

‘Jesus is died’ she said

‘And…?’ I prompted

‘He came alive in the water’

‘Yes…?’

He has hair’

‘What does he do?’

‘He came to spank everybody’

‘Eh? But Jesus loves everyone’

‘He came to spank…?

Me: ‘Nobody’

He came to spank… nobody… for touching the blinds. You mustn’t touch the blinds, and eat them’

‘Er, right’

‘The blinds can make you sick, and Noah eats beetles. Noah is hungry’

Noah is not just a historical figure, he is Hannah’s classmate at her daymom. Apparently he is something of an entomologist. Or Eat’em-all-agist.

So, Dan Brown, I eagerly await your new novel, based on the apparent will of the Lord to spank everyone, for touching the blinds. And the Dastardly parents who tried to keep this information from the world. They hide in suspiciously normal suburban homes, decorated with odd arcane symbols in crayon on the walls, at about knee-height. The truth is out there, and I mean Out There…

Man, I haven’t done one of these thingies for a while… Thanks, Jilbur.

1. What book would I like to be? Be a book? I guess the kind of book would be a crazy joy-ride of a book with a happy ending, as I can be very sentimental. But to answer the question, any of Roald Dahl children’s books. They are all filled with humour, dark twists, and underdogs overcoming adversity.
2. Have I ever had a crush on a fictional character? I reckon part of the sign of a good book is its ability to seduce you into personally involving yourself with the characters. Oddly, though, I am more drawn to stronger male characters, but not in the erotic sense. That said, remember ‘Janet and John’?  Did you see the way that girl could jump! Whooo-hooo! Also, the character ‘Bootsie’ in the James Lee Burke novels that is married to Robicheaux, but only because she dies tragically of Lupus.
3. What is the last book I bought? I get given book proofs and advance copies for work purposes, so if I buy a book it’s a really special occasion. The last one was a big book on rats, in preparation for the adoption of one into our household, from a second-hand bookstore.
4. What is the last book I read? ‘The Center of Winter’ by Marya Hornbacher. One of those where the characters are words that rise like Frankenpeople from the page, to live in one’s head for a while. Loved it!
5. What book am I currently reading? To diversify: a non-fiction title called ‘Blink’ by Malcolm Gladwell. It’s all about our ability as humans to make decisions in a split second. He debates whether or not our conscious or unconscious minds help us to decide our likes and dislikes, our preference for certain personality types over others… Very interesting, especially as I loathe decision making.
6. What five books would I take with me if I was stranded on a desert island? Back to fiction, as non-fiction would be harder to choose from many favourites. Here are some I would reread and reread until the glue disintegrated…The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver. I loved her evocation of the Congo in the sixties, and her ability to write in the different voices of her characters. The Yearling by Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings: A classic story of coming of age in the Florida everglades. Again, she created a brilliant sense of place. The Shipping News, by E Annie Proulx: Hey! There’s that ‘I can picture that town’ writing style. I guess I enjoy books that put me there in the story…To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. ‘One of those ‘Must Read Before You Die’ books. I was in love with all the characters. And finally: Anything by James Lee Burke. Good books don’t have to be literary, even a thriller can entertain you and lift you up for that quick-fix feeling. Wading through books for pretension’s sake is a waste of time, don’t you think? I dig his Louisiana heartland plots, and his passively malevolent baddies. (And please try any of Robert Crais’ ‘Elvis Cole’ books…)
7. Tag, you’re it… Thanks, Jill, for the task. Hmmm. I guess Neen, because I like her taste in reading, even though it differs from mine, and maybe Lee, because his Pa wrote one.

In Cape Town, there are these different pockets of people. You get the obvious contrasts of informal settlements (shacks lined up back to back, made of anything, such as corrugated iron, old signposts, bits of plastic and cardboard, and ‘recycled’-stolen-building materials) and mini palaces, complete with swimming pools, tennis courts and stables up on the slopes of the mountain.

Then you get the less immediately visible lines separating very similar people. What Apartheid in all its meaningless evil tried to do, humans in all their fears, national pride and loyalties have contrived to succeed. You get areas where Portuguese South Africans live, and similarly neighbourhoods where Greeks, Jewish people, Muslims, Indians, Lebanese, Congolese, Nigerians and practically any nationality you could name have set up small versions of their homelands. See, its not enough to draw a ‘black/white’ line here. Over the centuries millions have come here, and call it home.

Obviously the need is to address the separate development policies of the past, and this is happening, so that all may have the same opportunities, access to the same facilities, and educational institutions, and of course the poor need to be fed, and ultimately liberated from the cycles of poverty through restitution and support from both Government and community.

That said, there are these funny places, where time seems to operate differently. Pool Halls where young men with ridiculously sparse moustaches and mullets strut and pose. Where the young women never left that time in the eighties when ruched denim was the rage.

All I wanted to do was to buy a pair of takkies.

Takkies are trainers, or sports shoes. I am reduced to wearing a pair with holes. They were bought after a rainstorm last year. My only boots were wet, so I bought some shoes rather than squelch around prune-footed the whole day. Considering they were of communist bloc quality, they lasted well, but the time has come to replace them.

I trawled every shoe shop in the mall. I wept over sale tables, sobbed over racks and racks of unsuitable footwear, and cursed quietly as I came across great styles that were either preposterously overpriced, or only available in size 12 and up. I have wide small feet (you know what they say about men like that: they need short wide shoes…), and all I wanted was a pair of trainers, not in white or beige. White shoes remind me of being a kid, and riding around on my bike or skateboard trying to scuff them up when they were too clean. Beige shoes are sort of like saying, I hereby submit to middle age. I will now wear these things until I segue to wearing slippers out in public.

I found black trainers, leather-look, that would have had me looking like one of those mullet specials, or a cyber goth, and shiny ones abounded in every shop. Who the heck designs metallic-look takkies, for Pete’s sake? Ferrari takkies, in red? There were none suitable. At the moment thin shoes, the sort known as ‘sand shoes’ in Scotland, or ‘pumps’ in England are in. They make me look like I’ve been standing in a bucket of water and my feet have shrunk.

Finally, I came across a really great pair. They had my size. I tried them on. They were like shoe nirvana. They were a neutral grey and light blue, with navy stripes. They were inexpensive and comfortable. I wanted them. I showed them to Neen, who was elsewhere buying children’s clothes (for our children- she’s not that small) who immediately dashed my hopes.

‘They’re women’s shoes’. She said. ‘Definitely women’s shoes’. I looked again. Fair enough, they were on a shelf amongst what were obviously feminine shoes. But couldn’t the shelf packers have made an error? Too late! The seeds of doubt were sown. I knew, even as I tried to convince myself that no-one would ever know the difference, that I could no longer in good faith wear the things.

Do I thank Neen? Do I regret asking for her opinion? If I had bought them, would I have strolled about with the discomforting feeling of something unplaceable being not quite right?

I came home, a gentle breeze wafting through the hole in my shoes, and resigned myself to keeping them going until next time we go shopping…

I’m not much given to the kind of weepy self-loathing I saw on ‘Extreme Makeovers’ this evening. Occasionally I slip into the delusion that I am fairly fit, and that I could be ready to run a marathon within a few weeks. I would prefer to have the choice of shaving off my hair, and I guess being a little taller would help me to reach the wines on the top shelf at the supermarket…

Inwardly I do get somewhat stunned at the way I feel like a piece of driftwood, sometimes bobbing idly in a calm pool, sometimes practically submerged in a powerful deluge, rootless and unable to pull myself out.

I reckon that if you feel your teeth need braces, or you need to have some part of your body modified in order to establish some security with yourself, then go for it. Life is too short to hate the way you look. But do it for you. Not for the bully that used to tease you at school, or the husband/wife/girl/boyfriend that undermines the way you are.

I look at the yawning chasm between where I am and my dreams, and I get disheartened. Fundamentally, my life is pretty good, I love my wife and children, and I usually enjoy work. But.

So that you know:

My dream is to be involved full-time in ministry in the church. Not just preaching, not just counseling, but to be useful in social ministries, and to (ha!) help others to achieve the full potential of God’s calling on their lives. I would love writing to be a part of that somehow, and I want those things so much that it makes dealing with the very-different present hard sometimes.

So if I want those things, you may or may not be asking, what am I doing to get there? Well, I pray. I do my best in the areas in which I am involved, and I try to keep the hope fresh and alive.

Please understand that it is a privilege for me to feel this way at all. I was a highly unlikely candidate for church life, as a crazy unstable youth, and it is only the grace of God that has brought me literally out of the gutter and into a ‘normal’ life.

I wish that those unhappy ‘extreme makeover’ people could have a glimpse of the God I know, that they could see themselves as He sees them, that with all their flaws and bumps, and yes, even sins and inward imperfections, He loves them. To go from having a physically flawed face, to having a face acceptable to society and yet to maintain the inner corruption is nothing short of tragic.

Before you beat me with your laptops, I myself have undergone the ultimate in Extreme inward makeovers. Daily I submit myself to ‘the surgeon’s’ knife, and yet I am not afraid of Him slipping up. You yourselves have been witnesses to my imperfections, and yet I hope you share in my hope that in all these things, there has been a purpose.

I like to think that if who I am now walked past who I was then in the street, I wouldn’t cross over, but that I would have compassion. If I missed some important time in your lives, or if I missed the point, I hope you will understand that for me it is a real honour to be able to share in your ups and downs.

Mostly, you have left fun encouraging things as comments, but I invite you to help me to grow up. If I hurt your feelings, or if I assume things, let me know.

I wrote in the top left-hand corner that I think life is ‘inherently funny’. I know it’s not. I have seen some of you wrestling with incredible difficulties, and I am so impressed with your fortitude. I do hope to bring some more smiles as I reveal my imperfections, kind of like the opposite of a makeover: a makeunder. Hey! I look fine at first glance, but look under my carpets! For me, humour is one of the tools He uses to help me not to take things too seriously. Plus, sometimes, I am an idiot.

My children and my wife and friends all shine the torch on my inadequacies, but they also help me to turn them around.

I guess after all that introspection/selfish gibbering, I could ask you, what areas would you like to change? A physical thing? An inner thing? Don’t worry: Nothing is impossible for God. Right?

From a child who used to think that the word for a single piece of cheese was ‘a chee’, came a high-octane day of lego, wire jewellery making and the ubiquitous barbecue. He drew dragons breathing fire, flying dragons, multicoloured dragons and baby dragons. (Catch the theme?)

From his sister, whom Neen has convinced me NOT to call ‘Hannorexia’ (don’t worry, I’m not that insensitive), foodstuffs requested and not consumed today only included: banana, apple, biscuits (4 times), pancake, toast, meat, sausage, (ie, soddit on de flate), rooibos tea, numerous containers of different flavours of juice, chips, and onion. Things she ate: one small bowl of fruit loops, a raisin she found outside in the garden (please, Lord, let it be a raisin), a piece of roll and a few chips.

(If you are looking for a good laugh, then when your two-year-old asks for lemon, give them some. As Charles Schultz used to put it, ‘BLEEEUUGH’)

Despite, as Neen was trying to remind James today, Jesus protecting us, we have put in an alarm system. If an ant so much as suffers from flatulence in our house, buff guys with close-set eyes and itchy trigger fingers will surround our property. We don’t have much left worth protecting, but at least the human occupants of our house will be safe. Now we just have to remember the codes…

Tomorrow we are descending on the cinema with cousin and aunt (Neen’s sister and my niece, Rhiannon), for a happy morning of the Winnie the Pooh Heffalump movie. As riveting as this proposes to be, I am hoping for some me-time myself  later on. It’s a holiday weekend in South Africa, (Four days, Easter) so I am wearing a t-shirt which I wouldn’t wear out, and, and this is a big deal for me, I’m not wearing socks. Or shoes. Yup, here I sit, feet on carpet, not a care in the world. I guess I feel more secure with socks on, no big deal. Ok, so I have some feet issues, but they are my issues.

So, no socks; I am relaxed. No way I can follow either the ‘fight or flee’ impulse unshod. Obviously I was wearing heavy boots whilst tossing slabs of meat onto the fire, but now that all the chores are done, I sit. Aaaaaah. Thumbs-a-twiddle.

Hope your weekends are also peaceful, and that none of you are kidnapped and forced to watch Jerry Springer re-runs.

Sho-be-do, la la la. Pom pom pom. Humming to myself…

If you look on the side of most toys these days, you will find, in differing size according to country, a disclaimer, saying something along the lines of ‘Not Suitable For Children Under 3 Years of Age’. Occasionally, they may add ‘WARNING! CHOKING HAZARD!’

With a first child, you obediently pass over these when birthdays come around. You try and estimate the size-of-mouth-to-toy ratio, and sadly put all the exciting stuff back on the shelf. You rest assured in the knowledge that your beloved toddler is playing securely with toys in PRIMARY COLOURS the size of his/her head.

Depending on the age gap you choose/that ‘happens’ between siblings, something shifts in your thinking. Suddenly, your new baby is allowed to play with marbles/matches/tiny farmyard animals, and to heck with the risks. Even if you could delineate their toys, without the ‘MIIIIINE! I was playing with that!’ mantra, by now you have realized that children are built to be robust. You want them to be more independent, and even if that involves losing the occasional body part to machinery, at least you will have twenty seconds to yourself…

I do feel vaguely guilty as I hand over these instruments of potential mayhem, but often I look at the toys labeled hazardous and wonder why they exist, as the only appeal they could possibly have is to someone younger than three anyway. By the age of four, most children would regard those things with scorn.

Apart from that, on medicine bottles there are numerous caveats about the negative effects of mixing said medicines with alcohol. Fair enough.

Why doesn’t it say something similar on our alcoholic beverage bottles? ‘Warning, may cause drowsiness and acts of stupidity to be regretted tomorrow…’ or ‘warning: do not mix fifteen of these beers with one teaspoonful of medicine, as permanent liver damage may result’. Were drug companies getting sued for people crashing heavy machinery under the influence of two flu pills? Why weren’t people suing the booze companies?

I’m thinking there may be a tort in all this, and not the ‘tort’ that Tweetie Pie says to Sylvester. Hey, vineyard guys, you made me stupid, and then I  made a fool of myself while under the fiendish influence of YOUR product…

This has nothing to do with Easter. For those of you who celebrate it, have a wonderful day, but remember, Easter is about the rest of the year, too. For those of you who don’t celebrate Easter, have a great weekend, and have some chocolate egg anyway. (We Christians slip subliminal messages into the chocolate…heh heh heh.).

If you live in our neighbourhood, and you happen to be going for an evening stroll, you may hear the weak clanging of a bell, followed by four strained voices crying ‘Unclean, unclean…’ We are all exhibiting varying degrees of plague, ranging from listlessness to dayglo noses. Fortunately we haven’t reached the suppurating sores bit yet, but it is probably a matter of time.

Last night, after I had worked until 10 pm (stupid new night shift that I have to do once a week) I came home, and collapsed into my son’s uncomfortable bed, as he was wheezing and snoring on my side of my bed. In the middle of the night, Neen attempted to wake me, saying that there was a dripping sound in our ceiling. I mumbled that we had no torch with batteries, and my stumbling around in the dark wouldn’t solve anything.

An explorative climb this morning proved that yes, our water geyser is leaking, and requires the services of a plumber. We have still to pay the plumber who charged 10% of my salary to change a washer, so we’ll have to wait. The bathroom ceiling is starting to crack and sag like failed silicon implants. I don’t really react to any more crummy things, as the year has presented so many of them already. Compared to a broken pressure valve, there have been far more serious things.

Like who is signing the Kyoto Protocol, and learning how to male mini garlic bread on a barbecue.

How do children manage to do the whole tiny-Tim-on-his-deathbed thing, causing you to dash to the emergency room/visit your very expensive paediatrician and then wake up the following day jumping around like Richard Branson on a caffeine high?

So. The list of Challenges and Possible Threats to Blood Pressure grows and grows. In two weeks, I have had to change jobs, been burgled, had a sick family, a broken water geyser, a dying computer, and…and…

Oh yes, even as I speak I am covered in blood.

Green blood. First, I had to fulfill my (unwanted) role as cockroach killer when a skanky beast the size of my index finger was browsing in our groceries cupboard, and then, before the tiny screams had even had a chance to die away, Neen pointed to a huge cricket not much smaller than said roach. Because of the heat, there has been a plague of the things. They sing, and not like Michael Buble, and chirrup, and have an unnerving way of leaping out at you as you walk past.

Plagues of insects, illness, loss of all personally valuable things, a drought which has killed my garden and is likely to push up the price of wine… Seeing a pattern?

Despite all these things, I am grateful that my family is with me, that we are all alive. I am not regretting another year. I am almost getting to the stage when I am learning things about myself through all these challenges. Fear not! I am on a journey, and although I may be camping next to a dumpsite, I believe that a beautiful wilderness awaits. Why do they say ‘untamed wilderness’ like it’s a good thing? I prefer tamed wilderness, thank you.